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HEALTH: FDA approves nasal spray that temporarily cures the urge to check your credit score.CULTURE: Regional museum quietly removes the concept of leisure from 19th-century landscape paintings.TRAFFIC: Municipal transit authority replaces all bus route numbers with varying levels of ambient dread.SCIENCE: Researchers successfully teach a fern to perceive the passage of fiscal quarters.CULTURE: National Association of Librarians approves a new 'aggressive shush' for high-traffic zonesHEALTH: New study links 'moderate' desk-staring to a 12% increase in spontaneous blinkingTRAFFIC: Commute times increase by 40 minutes as drivers collectively decide to stare at a single pigeonSCIENCE: Lab-grown sponge achieves sentience, immediately requests three-week unpaid leaveMARKETS: Halcyon-Tek shares stabilize after Q4 bonuses are paid entirely in pre-owned posture correctors.WEATHER: Meteorologists track a high-pressure system of unresolved tension moving in from the tri-state area.SPORTS: Municipal golf course replaces all sand traps with shallow bins of expired employee resumes.TECH: Software update forces all desktop folders to alphabetize themselves based on your deepest regrets.CULTURE: Etiquette board releases 40-page guide on the exact angle to hold a mug while avoiding eye contact.WEATHER: Drizzle advisory issued for localized clouds formed by 300 people sighing in a single cul-de-sac.MARKETS: OmniVex shares rise as board votes to measure Q4 by the physical weight of discarded sticky notes.TECH: New firmware update requires smart-toaster to acknowledge user's dietary regrets before browning.CULTURE: Local HOA mandates all garden gnomes face exactly 12 degrees north for 'visual alignment'TECH: Smart-fridge begins requesting a 5-star review before dispensing iceHEALTH: New report finds 16% of jaw tension is caused by holding in a 'per my last email'MARKETS: Halcyon-Tek stock dips 2% after CEO admits he cannot remember his own passwordNOTICE: Nothing on this ticker happened. The machine made it up. Keep scrolling.
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