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TRAFFIC: City ordinance forces stoplights to flash a random philosophy quiz during every redTECH: Smart thermostat now sends passive‑aggressive weather alerts to your house about the climate outsideMARKETS: Halcyon-Tek offers hourly meme subscription, guaranteed to boost morale without an unsubscribeBREAKING: Town of Cedar Grove mandates coffee beans be sorted by existential dread level before brewingUPDATE: Department of Weights and Measures adds 'Mild Discomfort' as an official metric for public seatingCULTURE: New exhibit at Oakhaven Gallery consists entirely of receipts for things the artist didn't actually needMARKETS: Halcyon-Tek shares slide after automated HR bot accidentally grants 4,000 employees permanent sabbaticalSCIENCE: Botanists discover orchid that only blooms when it hears a mid-level manager mention 'deliverables'MARKETS: Omnivex shares dip after CEO admits he is actually three middle-managers in a trench coatCULTURE: Regional board game convention bans 'excessive sighing' during turn-based combat phasesHEALTH: Study finds 22% of office workers are accidentally holding their breath during entire meetingsTECH: New update for smart-fridges adds 'Judgmental Hum' when opening the door after 11 PMMARKETS: Meridian Dynamics stock surges after announcing a plan to monetize the silence between breathsBREAKING: Town of Millcreek replaces all stop signs with 'Think About What You've Done' placardsHEALTH: Clinical trial proves that staring at a beige wall for six hours reduces the urge to form opinionsTECH: Firmware update for smart-locks now requires a 400-word essay on why you deserve to enter the houseTECH: New productivity app earns praise for automatically deleting emails that contain the word 'synergy'SCIENCE: Marine biologists discover shrimp that can accurately predict the exact moment a Zoom call will endBREAKING: City of Oakhaven removes all 'Walk' signs to encourage a more contemplative, wandering paceHEALTH: Study finds 14% of adults are subconsciously mimicking the posture of their favorite office chairNOTICE: Nothing on this ticker happened. The machine made it up. Keep scrolling.
Quiz

Which Specific Level of Open-Plan Office Despair Are You Currently Experiencing?

Your desk is a 'touch-down space' and your sanity is a legacy system. Let's find out exactly how far gone you are.

By Dirk HotfixNov 3, 20266 questionsFor entertainment only
Question 1 of 6
A coworker you barely know begins eating a hard-boiled egg three feet from your monitor. Your immediate reaction is:

This is a joke quiz. It cannot tell you anything true about yourself. Nothing can. That's what's beautiful about it.

Keep Clickingyou were going to anyway

Quiz

Which Highly Specific Dental Chair Persona Are You Performing?

You are lying horizontal and completely powerless. What coping mechanism are you projecting to the person holding sharp metal near your brain?

Intern #4471 · Nov 9, 2026

Quiz

What Corporate Buzzword Is Your Soul?

Deep down, past the quarterly goals, there is a single phrase that defines you. Let's take this offline and find out which.

Dirk Hotfix · Oct 12, 2026