The composite candidate is undergoing a six-week sensitivity training program before it will be allowed to face the public.
ELMWOOD, IA — The Elmwood Municipal Parks and Recreation Subcommittee on Seating Adjacencies announced Tuesday that the installation of a single $340 composite park bench in Centennial Plaza will remain on indefinite hold until residents submit 47 pages of notarized soil core samples, a $400 non-refundable wood-grain vetting fee, and a sworn affidavit confirming they do not harbor personal resentment toward the proposed 14-degree recline angle.
“We need to ensure the bench integrates seamlessly with the existing psychological landscape of the plaza,” said Subcommittee Chair Gary Vance, 54, speaking from the basement of the local Elks Lodge where the committee has been relocated due to a persistent mold issue. “If we just plop a bench down there without a comprehensive geotechnical and emotional impact study, we’re looking at a catastrophic failure of unregulated lumbar support.”
The 47-page Substrate and Shadow Compatibility Report requires applicants to dig three distinct soil cores from the exact coordinates of the proposed bench, have them analyzed for trace amounts of unapproved joy, and submit them in a sealed Tupperware container. The notary must then stamp the container in black ink only; blue ink results in an automatic denial for violating the plaza’s chromatic easement.
Marian Kline, 52, who just wants to sit down while waiting for her husband to finish his shift at the regional corrugated cardboard plant, has spent the last three weeks trying to get the soil samples notarized. “The notary refused to stamp the third soil core because the Tupperware lid was slightly warped, and then the committee clerk told me the shadow of my hand on the form was infringing on the oak tree’s solar rights,” Kline said. “I just want to eat my turkey sandwich in the shade. I’m willing to sit on the grass, but they say the grass hasn’t submitted its own impact report yet.”
In response to growing frustration, the subcommittee unanimously voted to expedite the process by introducing a Fast-Track Bench Application. This expedited track reduces the waiting period from 14 months to 11 months, provided the applicant can supply a 3D-printed scale model of the bench made entirely from locally sourced, ethically harvested dust.
Furthermore, the committee has mandated that the bench itself must be interviewed by a three-person panel to ensure it possesses the right temperament for a public space. “We had a bad experience with a mahogany bench in 2018 that gave off a very aggressive, loitering vibe,” Vance explained, noting that the current composite candidate is undergoing a six-week sensitivity training program before it will be allowed to face the public.
As of Thursday, Centennial Plaza remains completely empty, save for a bright yellow caution cone placed over a fire hydrant. Vance confirmed that the hydrant is currently under review by the Hydrant Aesthetics and Pressure subcommittee, as its reflective red surface was causing unauthorized feelings of urgency among pedestrians.